Lil Kim: What in the Absolute Fuck is the Deal?

Ah yes, here is Lil Kim at Fashion Week. This woman is plain frightening. She looks like a friggin cartoon character from an animated porno you would find on a $5 rack. It's just bad. Really bad. Where do we begin? The eyebrows that were drawn in with a brown Sharpie marker? The nose job she stole from Michael Jackson? Oh wait, how about the color coded mole that strategically matches her MASSIVE amounts of black eye crap!

Damn girl...you are out of prison. No sense in continuing to punish yourself...or the rest of us.

[source]

Lindsay Lohan Has a Weird Looking Vagina!

Apparently, all those firecrotch jokes from Brandon Davis have really gotten to Lohan. She shaved her punani close enough to make it look like some sort of wrinkled, baby pig ear. It looks folded and squished...almost as if its trying to escape from the depths of her freckled, skinny crotch.

Damn Lohan. Why don't you give your vagina a break for a while and let some elasticity regenerate? You only get one and yours has seen better days (apparently far too many). At least if you are going to go sans-undies, try to tuck in the extra flaps. Thanks.

By the way...this pic isn't for the faint. Click at your own risk!
[source]

Bobby and Whitney are Duuuunzo

THE HELL YOU SAY! Bobby and Whitney are getting a divorce?! What is this world coming to when two jesus loving crack addicts can't find love in one another for all eternity? Well, we are damn impressed that it lasted 14 years...but anyways...

This divorce could truly erupt in some interesting fireworks. Will Whitney try to sing again or start whoring herself around on street corners for coke money while Bobby spends the majority of his free time at court houses trying to get out of drug charges? Sounds about right.

You Stay Classy, Ben Affleck

So here we have a 2004, drunk Ben Affleck interview in Canada. Do we really even have to comment on this? Nah. We'll let Benny Boy do aaaaall the talkin'.

A Welcome Message to Britney's New Spawn

Dear Spears/Federline Product,

Ok kiddo, we are going to try to break this to you as gently as possible. You parents aren't, how do we say this, intelligent people. But, before we get into that, let's give you some history.

Your mother was a totally hot pop star that shook her ass in flesh toned pants and made millions of dollars. She went on to wear underwear outside of her pants, nixed shoes in gas station bathrooms (which would explain that harsh case of hepatitis you were born with) and now eats cheetos mixed with tobacco and beer.

Your father's shining moment was that of a cheesy backup dancer that rocked whiteboy cornrows. He met your mom, knocked her up and is sucking her dry of all her hard earned ass shakin' money.

Ok, so back to the present. Dad is now "rappin" a serious flow that no one seems to listen to or care about. Of course we can't forget to tell you about all of your half-siblings from your dad's previous booty calls with Shar Jackson. Sooo, you have a brother and sister from that situation. Aaaand, everyone hates each other. You parents are idiots. Your mom drops your older brother a lot---on his head, lets him drive cars and let's not forget...allows your dad to knock her up a second time thus the point of this informative letter. Your dad is white trash. No, like serious white trash. The kind that you actually stop on the street and say, wow, that guy is such white trash! Gross!

In conclusion, welcome to the Federline family. We wish you the best of luck because you will most certainly need it. If you are truly lucky, maybe your parents will forget you at a rest stop and you can be adopted by a normal white trash family that can raise you properly wearing clothing from Sears and eating TV dinners.

Love,
The Gossip Bitches

[source]

John Mayer Won't Let a Boner Affect his Career

So, its lookin' like this. John Mayer is desperately trying to prove to his fanbase that he isn't proud of his affliction for being attracted to gorgeous, stupid women. Wait, what? John, you are a man. You have a penis. We understand.

John Mayer interviewed with Access Hollywood and went on a rant about how he feared dating the tuna queen herself, Jessica Simpson, would be a problem for his career.

Nancy: “How do you react when you've been so much in the public eye, because of this relationship, whether it happened or not, so in a way, it's not bad publicity…”

John: “There's nothing about it at all that I wake up in the morning and go to bed at night and say to myself, "Hmm, it's kind of got a shiny edge to it." There's nothing about it that's interesting to me or fascinating with me. I wanna get where I wanna get because I got better on the guitar.”

Nancy: “Was it so bent? That you never even dated Jessica?”

John: “I want to acknowledge that there's two separate things happening. There's the home life that I defend as a guy who’s just here to play music, and you don't see me on red carpets like this...and like that.”

Nancy: “You don't even go to red carpets.”

John: “Don't go to red carpets. So it’s very odd for me and I just basically -- it’s very uncomfortable for me.”
“... There are real crises in the world; there are people who are fighting to keep their house warm and I'm not going to sit here and bite my nails because someone says that I might possibly have gone a date with a beautiful blond girl. I'm not going to sit here beating myself up over the head with it. But what is challenging to me is that I have a contract with my audience in a way, that I exist-- I'm their guy who's just here to play music, you know, and that has never changed. That has certainly not changed in the last 2 weeks and I'm here to play music, you know?”

Nancy: “Do you feel like it takes away from the music?”

John: “Absolutely.”

Nancy: “But there are the people that would go, now they're more fascinated with you and they may go out and get your album because they're fascinated with your relationship.”

John: “In my mind, that's cheating.”

We don't give two shits about who you are dating when it comes to your music, why? We'll tell you why. Either your music good or it sucks. It's pretty black and white. You don't fall into a gray area just because you are bangin' a hot blonde. If anything, maybe men will start listening to your music more! You know, since now they know you aren't gay they can justify it.

Honestly John, you have a complex. You need to stop worrying about convincing people who you are and what your music is. Let them figure it out for themselves. If they don't like it, then you're out a few mil. But hey, you got to bang the hot blonde chick. Toss up? Perhaps.

[source]

David Hasselhoff, You Crazy Son of a Bitch

Hoff, you nutty SOB, you've done it again. You have somehow made yourself out to look like more of a tool than ever.

****
David Hasselhoff wants to be buried in a glass case under his Hollywood star when he dies. The former Baywatch star has confessed it's just one of the bizarre ideas he has come up so he will be remembered after he passes away. Hasselhoff joked to People magazine: "I was actually thinking of being buried under my Hollywood star, looking up so people could look down and watch me decompose."
****

WTF?

[source][source]

Donald Trump: Prenups Totally Rock!

Oh, The Donald. An american icon. A wealthy man with bad hair and a penis that won't quit. When you've got pockets this deep, the world is your oyster. Apparently, this guy can just shit out pearls. When asked about his thoughts on prenups (after his gazillionth marriage and predictable model wife) Trump said:

"I know I sound like a broken record, but get a prenup. I don't care how much you love your fiancee, it's just idiotic to get married without one. "Don't believe me? Ask Paul MCCartney what he thinks. I know he wishes he had one."

Ouch. Sorry Paul. That had to hurt more than getting wacked in the face by your crazy ex's prosthetic leg.
[source]

Gossip Bitches Hiatus

Aaaaaaaand we're back again. Our apologies to our readers who have missed our tasteless, useless banter over the past two weeks. We had not one but three deaths in our families and all obnoxious blogging was temporarily paused for the usual depressing arrangements.

As with everything, we'll try to keep a sense of humor about it (cue cheesey joke)... Wait, is that Nicole Richie? Oh, our bad. Sorry Grimm. Didn't mean to insult you.

Love,
The Gossip Bitches