Ring Ring Ring! Mel Gibson Ring Tone Now Available!

Hehehe! So Oasymobil.com has made a new Mel Gibson ring tone available to the grateful public. The tone plays a reenacted recording of the antics that played out that fateful morning. Poor Mel...you are clearly going to be ripped on for a very very long time. But good god, its funny. Wait, what is that? I think we even hear Jesus laughing his ass off.
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Scarlett is Smellin' Fishy

WOW, Scarlett. What a terribly horrific fish dress. This resembles one of those outfits that gets tossed on TLC's What Not To Wear. Fish? Really? Eeesh. And you have breasts far to nice to be squishing and deforming them in that neckline. However, you have redeemed yourself with your yummy accessory; Josh Hartnett. God damn he is lookin' gooooooood! Josh, drop sushi girl and give us a holla.
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Nobody Puts Rob Schneider in a Corner!

Rob Schneider, captain of the Hollywood Jewish Police Squad, is calling Maniac Mel out! Schneider has issued a letter regarding Mel Gibson's recent behavior calling him an anti-semite. Rob also states that he refuses to ever work with Mel Gibson - ever! We could be totally wrong, when was the last time that Rob Schneider was in a movie with Mel Gibson? For a full view of the juicy, hilarious letter click here. Oh well, we must have missed Mel in The Hot Chick and Deuce Bigalow.
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You Stay Classy Melanie Griffith!

Ah, nothing says class like lighting your 17 year old daugher's cig as it hangs out of her mouth. Once again, we must make a poke at Milk Money circa 1994. Melanie actually looks less white trash in the movie where she plays a prostitute running from her pimp. Sounds about right.
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Carmen Strips Down Yet Again

Good lord, Carmen! you are looking haaaa-ot. However, it is clearly BS that you keep yourself fit with your striptease workout. Those DVDs are total crap. Not only is it ridiculous to wear Hooters girls shorts while you are "working out", but shakin' our asses in circles doesn't seem to work off the donut and coffee we snuck at breakfast. And ok, we get that you and Dave "weirdo" Navarro have lots of sex...probably freaky, creepy sex. But we absolutely love this quote:

"I'm addicted to orgasms. For two minutes it feels like you're leaving your body. There's nothing like it".

Wait, two minutes? Two minutes of straight up orgasm? You are about to get called out. We don't care how crazy Dave is in bed, there is no way you aren't full of shit on that one. Maybe you are referring to Dennis Rodman (considering you apparently called him last week saying that you never should have broken up). Riiiiight. Here's another gem:

"I love waxing. I have a woman who lays me on my back, waxes the front then flips me over onto all fours and waxes my ass."

Bullshit. We don't know any women who "love" waxing. You are either a total nut or lying through your perfect teeth. Ripping pubic hair directly from the folicle, root and all, is not appealing in any way. Liar! But ok Carmen, we give in, you're still hot.
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Brad Smokin' Pitt is Back in Action

Yowza! There is the man we know and love! Polished, trimmed, suit rockin, sans-Jolie, sweet piece o' ass Pitt. Thank god! We thought we'd never see him again since Angelina has her claws clenched snuggly on his ballsack.
Pitt is seen here on the set of Ocean's 13 this past Wednesday in L.A. Please don't go back to Africa, Brad. We miss you.
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The Hills' LC - Dumbass of the Week!

Our Dumbass of the Week Award goes to Lauren on The Hills for giving up an internship in Paris to spend the summer with her total loser skeevy boyfriend, Jason. Honey, no! How could you be so incredibly stupid? Jason is such a scummy thing and his hair is god awful. Just to confirm our beliefs, no one has caught you two "love birds" together this past month (july). This can only lead us to believe that you are in fact, an asshole for dropping an internship in PARIS for this loser. Way to plan ahead.
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Say Hello to Gwen "I Dress Like Shit" Stefani

Is it just us or does Gwen Stefani look like a fat Melanie Griffith from Milk Money circa 1994? Actually no, Melanie dressed better in that movie where she played a hooker. It's like a bad dream twisted between the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air leather jacket and Missy Elliot's garbage bag outfit from the Rain [Supa Dupa Fly] music video.
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Jessica Simpson is a Tid Bit Nippley

Jessica Simpson was caught leaving The Ivy (restaurant) flossin' some boobalicious behavior.
Here at Gossip, we have taken the time to analyze a few reasons why Jess felt the need to pull an Alexandra Kerry...

1. To get out of her little sister's anorexic shadow

2. To get out of her ex-husband's new girlfriend's shadow

3. Her Dad told her to do it.

4. To prove she is still hotter than her ex-husband's new girlfriend

5. To merely draw attention to the fact that she has a pretty sweet pair o' ladies.
We are looking for some input...what do you think?
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Janet Jackson's Fashion Nightmare

We're just going to throw this out there. Now, if you want to pick it up and run with it, please by all means do so. If not, that's cool too. WHAT THE ABSOLUTE FRIG' is this? Shall we analyze? Oh yes! Ok. Janet, please explain the following:

1. Belt: Why did you feel the need to have too golden hands clasped across your crotchal region?

2. Bracelets: Did you break your wrists? Are these being used as fashionable support instead of your standard medical cast?

3. Jacket: Did you borrow this jacket from one of your brother's 12 yr old boyfriends? It dooooesn't fiiiiiit.

4. Belly: Yes, you lost a laaa-hot of weight. Regardless, no need. It still looks warped and strange.

5. Hat: Yeesh.

6. Shoes: We actually cut those OUT of the picture. It was just too much.

7. Boobs: Oh, god...hahahaha. Ok, allow us to compose ourselves. Based on your quote(s) from a week ago regarding your sexual escapades with Jermaine Dupri, was this bondage gone terribly wrong? Could you not get it off? Or is it the fact that there is no longer blood circulation going to your breasts and you want to make sure you don't lose them?
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XTina has Sex in Public?

Ah, sounds about right. This girl has remade herself so many damn times but this just proves that her true colors remain. Aguilera apparently had sex with her new husband at a London nightclub...in the nightclub...in the open. Nicely executed Jordan. Too all those guys out there who think X's hubby is a total tool...well...he's a total tool who is bangin' Christina Aguilera in public --- and you aren't. Suckers.
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Missing Olsen Triplet or Hilary Duff?

Betchy'all didn't know that the Olsen Twins had a missing sister? That's right, this skinny biotch is her. Ok, so we're lying but it's not that hard to believe is it? This is actually
Hilary Duff doing her best anorexic Olsen impersonation at the Roissy Airport in Paris. Don't lie you totally fell for it.
[source][source][source]

Merry Mel!

Poor Mel, just can't seem to catch a break. Check out this lovely photography where Gibson appears to be a little on the intoxicated side. Mel? Drunk? No! At least he doesn't seem hostile, racist or even worse --- driving in this photo.
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Promoting Anorexia in Tokyo...

What is this, friggin' Halloween? Kate Bosworth dressed up like a skeleton? Not so much!
The skinny mini was in Tokyo promoting her Superman Returns movie and her apparent bout with anorexia (at least we think so). Check out those kneecaps, sexy! I love when a woman's kneecabs appear to pierce the skin. Thats the hot shit right there. [source]

Cisco in All His Glory --- Ick.

This is just getting rather silly. It makes us want to cry. Cisco, you look like a complete and utter jackass. What the fudge are you thinking when you look in the mirror in the morning? "Damn I look gooooood!" Fuck no! You look ridiculous! Don't even get us started on Mischa Barton dating you...the two of you are a friggin' pair thats for sure. We didn't think it could get much worse after Brandon Davis...we were sadly mistaken.
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Toto Loves It Hard Core!

So, Toto loves hardcore porn, eh? Lovely. I guess she decided to save that one for after Daddy kicked the bucket. I mean, she really has nothing to lose at this point (and that includes the $500 million). Yowza. That was such a low blow zinger, right?
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Damn You, Alanis! Damn You to Hell!

Damnit damnit damnit damnit! Ryan, we like Alanis because yes, she can be a cool rocker chick. But she dated Dave Coulier! That is such a deal breaker right off the bat! You are waaaaay too attractive to be dating a woman who stooped to that level. Enough rubbing in the fact that you are dating an older, less attractive woman than you deserve. Have you considered women in their 20's? Everything we have still stands up on it's own!

Damnit!
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Look, When She Turns Sideways, She Disappears! Neato!

Just when you think she can't get any worse, Kate Bosworth seems to just be withering away. Check out all the bones sticking out from what used to be her chest. You could grate cheese on them.

Orlando, are you seeing what is happening here? Or are you just not noticing because you are too busy staring at Johnny Depp's sweet ass? We are thinking the latter of the two is correct. Cut your hair!
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Do You Really Want to Hurt Me?

Do you really want to hurt me? Do you really want to make me cry? These might have been a few questions running through Boy George's head after being sentenced to doggie doo doo duty. That's right, the used-2-b Culture Clubber will be picking up garbage along the streets of NYC after pleading guilty in March to the false reporting of a supposed burglary in his Manhattan apartment.
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Justin Looks So Sad!

What is JT thinking about here? We wonder...

Justin:
"Somewhere out there beneath the pale moonlight
Someone's thinking of me and loving me tonight..."
Britney:
"Somewhere out there someone's saying a prayer
That we'll find one another in that big somewhere out there..."
Together:
"And even though I know how very far apart we are.
It helps to think we might be wishing on the same bright star.
And when the night wind starts to sing a lonesome lullaby
It helps to think we're sleeping underneath the same big sky
Somewhere out there if love can see us through
Then we'll be together somewhere out there
Out where dreams come true"
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Shhhhhmokin' G!

Good God we hate her. Gisele, you are one sssshmokin' hot mama. Honestly, good god! There simply has to be something wrong with you that we don't know about or its a friggin' crime. You must burn calories just being hot...we could go on...but its becoming embarrasing. [source]

Rachel Weisz Totes Taters

Um, Rach? We aren't experts on children, but something just looks odd about that sling-around you have there. Either your child takes after Gumbi or you need to reconsider your carrying method. It hurts just to look at. Eeeesh.
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Whoring Around Again

It just wouldn't be a normal day without posting about Lohan. This crazy bitch is just friggin' nocturnal. Check out this video catching Lindsay red handed leaving Hyde late night before a long day on set.

And here we have yet another disturbing shot of Ms. Lohan in action. But hold on now, don't get yourself all in a tizzy. Apparently this scene is part of her new film (yes, the one she keeps forgetting to show up for) Georgia Rule.

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Too Much Wine in Church, Eh Mel?

Mel's headin to treatment folks! Gibson, who has had an ongoing battle
with alcohol, is sending himself into rehab after last week's
little run in with the LA police. Good for you Mel. After belting out
anti-Semitic remarks to a jewish police officer, who pulled you over for
drunk driving, we think it's a good idea for you to go away for a while
too. At least until you learn how to hide it better. Jeez. You call
yourself an alcoholic? [source]

Missing Olsen Twin? Someone call the Amber Alert!

Hahaha, this is so awesome. Olsen twins, stop the madness! How are you even carrying that bag, Ashley? You look like you are about ready to topple over, lol. Thanks for the good, hardy laugh. I really needed one today.

p.s. No more cowboy crap, please.
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Dear Mr. Producer, I am Unable to Attend Work Today...

WHAT THE FUDGE is this? Let's decrypt this little anomaly right about now.

heat exhaustion = head bobbing for more than 10 minutes straight.

flush = happens when you're head is below a 90 degree angle for more than 10 minutes straight

unable to attend work = have lock jaw, can't act today.

Oh Lindsay...tsk tsk.

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BJ's Daughter Stands Up for Mama, Christie Brinkley

Alexa Ray Joel is hatin' on her Mom's jackass, soon-to-be ex husband, Peter Cook. Who can blame her? The guy cheated on her mother with a girl younger than Alexa! When asked, she approached the issue in a mature, restrained manner by simply stating, "Don't even go there, we don't want to fan the flames." Two thumbs up, Alexa! Your Mom's estranged husband is a total scumbag...there we said it for you. Now that Mel Gibson has stolen the DUI spotlight, when is your Dad going on tour again?
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Hey Hil, Walk Like an Egyptian

Oye. Hil, what happened? You used to be as cute as a button! Now look at what you have done. Sweetie, you need to follow suit with your chubby rocker boyfriend and start eating some real people food. Your jawline is so gaunt at this point you are starting to look like, well, you know...
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Britney Spears Federline Addams

Hello, Morticia? Is that you? Oh, we're sorry, Britney! We didn't realize it was you! Ok, here's the thing...

We do have to hand it to you, Brit Brit, you're cleaning it up a bit. You look semi-showered and you are even rocking some shoes! Good for you! But this wasn't a HUGE leap from where you were. You showered, popped some zits, and threw on some shoes? We appreciate the effort but it's going to take a lot more than this showing to convince us to buy tickets for any future concerts. We know you have it in you, Brit. Step 1, stop procreating with K-Fed. Step 2, stop eating fast food. Step 3, exercise. We don't want to overwhelm you, so we'll stop there. It's a 12 step program...sigh.
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Pam Anderson (Rock?) Gets More Crap Handed To Her

Jesus. Someone is actually giving this woman the power to create a haircare product? We are assuming the product(s) will be geared towards clients with bleached, faux hair extensions. What a horrific decision made by Bed Head brand. Way to market your product. Yay! And wait, sunscreen? She'll be selling sunscreen? Hahahahaha! Oh, sweet irony. Pam, you'll probably have better luck launching a marketing scheme with the American Board of Plastic Surgery. We aren't even going to get into PamelaPoker.com it makes us want to kill ourselves. We have listed her website quote below.

"Received my first wedding present! From my friends at Bed Head - I got the call that it is confirmed. I'm absolutely doing a whole line of hair care for people and animals. Only tested on humans of course. Hair care and body care including hot rollers, and sunscreens. From Kyara for BED HEAD. It will all be out soon....Happy wedding...coming soon... It's getting wilder by the moment......It's just the beginning..... Pamelapoker.com couldn't be doing any better. It's a great day in France!!!!!! Thanks for all the good wishes."

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Mel Gibson Gets a DUI

Whoa, Melly! Where is big J.C. when you need him? Mel Gibson was arrested in Los Angeles last Friday for DUI in the wee hours of the morning. He released the following statement to the Associated Press:

"After drinking alcohol on Thursday night, I did a number of things that were very wrong and for which I am ashamed. I drove a car when I should not have, and was stopped by the L.A. County sheriff's. The arresting officer was just doing his job and I feel fortunate that I was apprehended before I caused injury to any other person. "

"I acted like a person completely out of control when I was arrested, and said things that I do not believe to be true and which are despicable. I am deeply ashamed of everything I said and I apologize to anyone who I have offended. "

"Also, I take this opportunity to apologize to the deputies involved for my belligerent behavior. They have always been there for me in my community and indeed probably saved me from myself. I disgraced myself and my family with my behavior and for that I am truly sorry. "

"I have battled the disease of alcoholism for all of my adult life and profoundly regret my horrific relapse. I apologize for any behavior unbecoming of me in my inebriated state and have already taken necessary steps to ensure my return to health."

Now that you have seen Mel's crappy banter, let's get down to the good stuff. Here is a tid bit of what drunk ass Mel said to the police who detained him. Or, you can view a full, 4 page report!

On being arrested:
"My life is fucked."

To the police officer who detained him:
"You mother fucker. I'm going to fuck you." The arresting officer's report also says "Gibson almost continually [sic] threatened me saying he 'owns Malibu' and will spend all of his money to 'get even' with me."

On Jews:
"Fucking Jews... The Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world."

Oh Mel. Peace be with you. [source][source]

Brandon Davis You are So Gross...

Yick. So, Brandon Davis is obviously not so serious about getting sober (big surprise). His parents are pissed off because this goofball won't take rehab seriously and stop being such a loser. Here's an idea for the rents. Try cutting his fatass off from the family fortune - duh. Slap him in the back of the head and tell him to wake up and smell the real world. Ah, well, maybe we are being insensitive...but probably not.

And why the hell is this chubby slob of an heir always so sweaty? Are we the only ones to recognize this problem? At this point he is probably just exuberating alcohol from his pores. Gross. Just gross. [photo source]

Lohan Goes in Time Out!

Remember a few days ago when Ms. Lindsay Lohan suffered from "heat exhaustion"? Well, apparently we weren't the only ones who thought this was a lil fishy. Tsk tsk! Check out the letter delivered to Lindsay after her antics last week! [source]

"...You have acted like a spoiled child and in doing so have alienated many of your co-workers and endangered the quality of this picture."
-James G. Robinson